Deathstalker III and the Warriors from Hell.

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We have seen a softcore porn sword and sandals, a tongue in cheek (not ass cheek thank you very much) romp, and now we are on to the third entry of the DeathStalker series, 1988’s DeathStalker and the Warriors from Hell.

Staring our third Deathstalker, John Allen Nelson this movie also stars Carla Herd and Thom Christopher.  Coming in at 86 minutes this entrance to the series will…you know what, its after the leap.

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Synopsis

And now for something completely different

And now for something completely different

Princes, Wizard, Warrior try to reunite the parts of a mystical crystal before the evil guy Troxartes can twist the magic to raise an army of the dead to serve him.  Troxartes sends his black armored men to find the wizard Nicias who supposedly has the other half of the stone, but really it is in the possession of Princess Carissa who is saved during the raid by Death Stalker, only to die later in Deathstalker’s muscular arms.

Death is dealt (poorly), women are wooed (poorly), and potatoes are eaten, and the farmer’s daughter is bedded in the barn.

I see a demise to your career, this movie will be your last.

I see a demise to your career, this movie will be your last.

Troxartes raises some slain warriors and controls them through putting their souls in a jar, but our short, bald bad guy just cannot deliver on the full promise.  Carissa’s death during the opening scenes is not our last chance to see Carla Herds bare bosom as she also plays Princess Elizena.

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Will you please donate your beard to a good cause?

In the end Marinda, Deathstalker’s potato loving stalker, saves the day and gives our hero a sword before her death.  Troxartes is slain and the kingdom is restored, blah blah blah.

What to like

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How you doin’? I think our horses have the right idea.

  1. This one actually figured out a plot to try to keep the story moving forward.  Too Bad that story was nothing more than a series of genre tropes and clumsy links.
  2. There is an excellent episode of MST3K, if you can find it. (SHHH! It’s on youtube)
  3. Nary a scene with unwanted sexual advances.

What not to like

Don't you want to just punch him in the face? over and over and over?

Don’t you want to just punch him in the face? over and over and over?

  1. John Allen Nelson’s performance is stilted and not worthy of the sandals he is trying to fill. He is neither charming like John Terlesky nor Ass kicking awesome like Dick Hill. (Hey look I got to type that again). The only way I can accurately describe Nelson is as a budget Rick Hill, and do we really need a budget Rick Hill?
  2. Deathstalker appears to be much more adept at smirking like a cock than actually wielding a sword. This is some of the worst sword fighting we have ever seen.  The only believable fighting sequences are reused footage from the first two movies.

    I can't quit you

    I can’t quit you

  3. Troxartes is portrayed by a five foot six, bald, slightly pudgy actor. Yeah, it’s like George Costanza became a powerful wizard and decided to take over the world.
  4. Seriously the sword play is so horrible it deserves a second mention. Not only that but the swords appear to be made of galvanized steel.  They are dull, crudely cut out and appear to be as functional as a wood sword from the Renaissance Festival.
  5. Holy Bat wings Batman.

    I got this second hand, does it look OK on me?

    I got this second hand, does it look OK on me?

Overall Rating

This is the low spot of cinema, seriously there is nearly nothing about this movie that is redeemable.  It does not manage to offend, yet is not self-aware like Deathstalker II.  Dealthstalker III and the Warriors from Hell manages a 1 out of 5, without any points being lost due to the unsavory nature of this film series.

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Who would have thought a boiled potato was the perfect metaphor for this movie, bland and disgusting.

 

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