The world is full of shitty movies, most of them by Uwe Boll; but I digress because I don’t want the German producer/director to knock me out. It is for fear of Boll that we move away to another production company and this time pick on Lionsgate with our long awaited review of 2012’s Silent Hill: Revelation.
Writen by Michael J Bassett and staring Kit Harrington, and Holy Fuck they dragged Sean Bean and Malcolm McDowell into this shit fest. No matter how much pouty GoT love this movie packs it will still set you back 94 minutes of unrecoverable time.
Dad (Sean “I’m not dead yet” Beam) and daughter (Adelaide “I hope this movie launches a career” Clemens) are on the run from an evil cult who want nothing more than to bring them back and sacrifice them to the dimension shifting demons. When Clemens’ character Heather meets fellow pouty eyed student Vincent (played by Kit “God I hope I keep my GoT job” Harrington) the shit begins to hit the fan and the two teens return to Silent Hill to try to save Sean Beam.
Seriously disturbing shit with demon nurses and body horror happen until the end of the movie, when fucking pyramid head appears walking around town. Oh and there are exposition dumps about every 10 minutes so you can get a lot of things explained that were not genuinely begging for an explanation.
What to Like
- Sean Beam didn’t die in this movie, but he did choose to stay behind and try to save his wife Rose from The Order.
- On a positive note this movie is a full thirty minutes shorter that Silent Hill 2.
- This movie unintentionally inspires Five Nights at Freddy’s. At least that is the story that we are going to stick with.
- They warned us with the colon in the title. It is really nice when they let us know it is shit right up front.
What not to like
- This movie wastes some seriously powerful acting talent, and does so by having each of those characters deliver some exposition that is not needed for the story to progress. Instead this exposition is intended to explain aspects of the game franchise that really do not need explanation.
- This movie should be all about the monsters and the creepy as nature of the games (which are fucking terrifying.) Why in the hell would you waste Pyramid Head by having him battle something looks a Cenobite reject in what can only be described as fan masturbatory services. And just like all fans of this movie it only took about two minutes for the fight scene to end.
- The rest of the monsters do not satisfy our desires for the franchise.
- Of course The Order has chosen to have their headquarters in an abandoned amusement park, that is the logical location for all multi-dimensional demon worshiping cults.
- They left this shit open for another sequel and because it has almost doubled its 20 million budget a sequel is likely.
This movie gets a 1 out of 5 despite, or possibly because of, its impressive star power. How they managed to make such a crappy exposition dumped movie is beyond me when you have star power like Malcolm McDowell, Sean Beam, Kit Harrington, and Carrie-Anne Moss is beyond us.