Seemingly as dare that you can do worse than Super Mario Brothers and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation we looked at a Uwe Boll entry into the video game film franchise. Yes it is not really fair to look at Uwe Boll “movies” and compare them to legitimate attempts to capitalize on video game franchise for monetary gain since his movies were actually made to lose money and take advantage of German tax laws; but they do exist. This brings us to 2005’s Alone in the Dark, a beloved horror survival game that is filled with chilling and disturbing visuals and creepy settings, the movie doesn’t bring any of that to the party.
What Uwe Boll manages to bring to the party for your 96 minutes is the remnants of Christian Slater’s career, Tara Reid’s mismatched boobs, and Stephen Dorff…google him and you might recognize some of his work.
Edward Carnby (the only recognizable name from the video games) is investigating the disappearance of the Abkani, an ancient civilization that worshiped extra-dimensional demons. Carnby is investigating a missing child case when he stumbles onto some plot contrivances that are linked to experiments performed on him as a child which left him with heightened paranormal senses and super human strength and speed.
Shit happens, literally shit happens, extra dimensional portals are opened and a bunch of girls names Heather are killed.
- Slater doesn’t phone this in, he earns every ounce of his paycheck. Seriously this is a good performance from Slater in a movie that he could not have believed to be worth the effort.
- The investors managed to shelter roughly 10 million in losses on this movie and write off 20 million in expenses according to German tax law. That has to be worth something.
- The plot is very loosely based on the games, and by very loosely we are talking about the type of fit that only happens when Kate Moss goes shopping in the Plus Size department of SEARS. There are more liberties taken with this plot than we would care to believe…which might explain why this movie enjoys a 1% on Rotten Tomatoes.
- This movie reminds us why we used to love Tara Reid, and why we can’t love her any more. While she is redeeming herself with the Sharknado franchise, Alone in the Dark is the low spot that led to Sharknado.
- It is completely possible to get the 1985 movie Alone in the Dark movie confused with this one, which is a Jack Palance tour de force. While a horrible movie in its own rights, it is at least a genuine horror movie that is a blast to watch.
- There is an empty sense of potential in this movie that no amount of Slater effort can fill. It is the same feeling that one gets with any movie from Uwe Boll. The man is a single, monumental source of cineshit based on video Games.
Alone in the Dark manages a 1 out of 5 and that is a pity point for the outstanding performance from Mr. Slater. The rest of this movie is unwatchable at its best, lacking any of the creativity, suspense and horror that made the game franchise so beloved. The only movie that we might say is more devoid of meaning and substance is Boll’s 2005 House of the Dead.