Ice Cream Man

MV5BMjEwMjIxMjY5MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwOTMzNjcyMQ@@._V1_SY317_CR5,0,214,317_AL_There are a lot of really awesome independent films out there, everything from science fiction, to horror, to comedy, to drama. Hell! even dramadies. Regrettably todays review is none of the awesomeness that it could have been served up in a cone and is  in reality a not so  gentle reminder to run screaming in terror at the sound of the Ice Cream Man (1994).

We would love to say that we expected more of a Clint Howard vehichle, but this writing has been on the wall since EvilSpeak. This Paul Norman directed movie will set you back 85 minutes of unretrievable sour apple ice cream pop.

ice_cream_man Synopsis

OK so here we go, Clint plays a deranged man who has spent his life in a Psych ward after seeing his childhood ice cream man brutally murdered.  Once out of the psych ward he decides to return home and confront his inner demon by becoming the local ice cream man.  Well shit happens and he turns to murder…yeah we know this thing has all the depth of a porn movie.

1341061-icecreamWhat to like…

  1. It is only 85 minutes…That is pretty much it.

icecreamman2What not to like

  1. Everything, from the shallow, stereotypical characters; to the unbelievable dialogue and the even more unbelievable acting it is absolutely no wonder Clint Howard can be in 4-5 movies a year for the past five years.
  2. The first draft of the movie was apparently written in 3 days…yeah we are pretty certain there was a fair amount of coke and nodoze involved with whatever the writers were on.
  3. The best thing to see in this movie is a brief shot of a photo as the camera pans by. Its as close to boobies you are going to get in this movie.
  4. We just cannot stand for cruelty to animals and just having to be in this movie was cruel enough. We will not stand for dogs being killed…even if it is meant to be over the top and funny.  IT ISN’T!

ClintOverall Rating

We have watched a lot of utter shit over the course of the past ten years, but this well may be the worst thing we have ever watched…yeah, even worse than Love and Monsters.  Ice Cream Man gets a 1 out of 5 only because if we started giving it a negative rating we would open a whole knew can of fucking tooty fruity/rocky road.

And yes we realize we could have used the ice cream metaphor all through this review, but it would have likely gone off like a bomb-pop and given way too much attention to this movie.

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