It’s St. Patty’s day and despite the celebrations at Itty Bitty Writer Publications Inc.’s home office we have decided to go on ahead and post the SPAM Off for this glorious day. Please forgive us if we are distracted by the leprechauns dancing in our heads since we have been consuming the brew since about 10am this day.
With absolutely no further adieu we present onto you the SPAM Off for March 17, 2010
1. “Hallo, Turn your Bonus Dollars into a Bonus for Her” Submitted by Messina
We hate to break it to this spammer but in today’s economy not too many of us are actually getting bonuses any longer. We are all just grateful to have a job at a company that can continue to pay us.
2. “Grow a bigger love toy- become a lovemaKing” Submitted by mark.markmorr2
This is great and it works on so many different levels. There is symbolism in the user name which draws upon Marky Mark, aka Mark Wahlberg AKA Dirk Diggler – who has the biggest Love Toy in Hollywood history. Then there is the clever use of capitalization in the word lovemaking to not only distract the reader from the incomplete sentence but also have their brains complete the sentence by reading it at first blush as “become a love King.” This writer is truly a genius.
3. “Get It up tonight” Submitted by Fairy Jesenia
We are pretty certain we know what “It” is, but as citizens in a nation where the definition of the word “is” was once successfully argued in a court of law we feel the reliance on so called “classic” definitions to be a bit futile. After all you could be referring to a flag, or possibly our body temperature, you might even be referring to our heart rate (by compelling us to exercise at the Gymnasium); there are just to many variables to trust what we think “It” is. Please note that this same subject line contained the words “For many men” Last week and has since been fixed to seemingly not imply a good night at a gay bathhouse.
4. “It’s every man’s dream! You will drill her as good as Mike Phelps swims!” Submitted by anuwat99999
It is so rare that we actually get clarification from last week’s entry from the same spammer. Apparently anuwat99999 reads our page and realized the confusion he had created when last week he (or she) failed to include what Mike Phelps was best known for doing well. We kid you not the subject line of the Spam was clarified and resubmitted by the botnet. We are giddy with excitement to know that someone actually listened to our criticism.
5. “Give her real aggressive drilling” Submitted by me
We are positive this was a campaign slogan during the last presidential election cycle. Seriously wasn’t Sarah Palin on stage demanding that we aggressively drill offshore?
6. “Exaltation of having your rod ready-for-action again!” Submitted by laserops001
Someone discovered the thesaurus in word.
7. “My name is Danny and our company currently has several positions it needs to fill” Submitted by me
Well our name isn’t Danny, and we don’t have any positions that need to be filled. After reading 295 spam messages in a row about male enhancement our mind was in the gutter with this subject line and were a little startled to find out it was a money laundering scam message.
8. “Boost your Love Power” Submitted by fazrimukhtar
Is this like a power up in some bad Japanese dating game?
9. “Surprise for [name removed}” Submitted by me
Is the surprise the three viruses and multiple malware your email attempted to install on my computer? If that was it we are pretty disappointed. The least you could have done is have a picture worth seeing in your message to make it worth the hassle of restarting a fresh image of our virtual PC that we read these things on for just such an event; but no it was the same cartoon dancing penis picture we have seen a thousand times this past year.
10. “Premium MembersHip” Submitted by Better-Sex Products On-L.
Again this subject line works on the same level as a previous post where the implication is that we are not only getting a premium membership in an exclusive online store, but also by doing so getting a premium Member. These spammers are just cracking us up with their clever use of the English language and the use of recent studies on how the written language is interpreted when read quickly. Apparently the spam-net operators and our editorial staff are on the same mailing lists.
Thanks for reading